Dearly Departed
by Alesaris
Summary: I hate myself for wanting to forgive him, I hate myself for wanting to hate him, I hate myself for letting him do what he did to those people, I hate myself for wanting him to be alive, I hate myself...but most of all I hate that he's dead.
1. Chapter 1

_This is the result of a dream I had a week ago, a very disturbing dream about Kurt Hummel and Dave Karofsky that I can't get out of my head so I need to write it._

_I was originally going to write happy things for these two but the dream was way too profound._

_This is going to be a two-shot or a three-shot I haven't figured it out yet._

_But regardless I hope you enjoy._

* * *

"Mr. Hummel, did you know that Dave Karofsky was going to-?"

The anchorwoman dressed in a magenta suit with a very prim and proper knee length skirt that was stuffing a rather large microphone in my face with a logo WLIO TV 8 on it was cut off by my step-brother who was surrounding me trying to keep the media off of us by yelling at them all to go away.

I couldn't comprehend what they were all really saying, everything sounded so far away, and everything was so surreal. I felt sick and ignored her and all of the other voices as I tried to get through, I could feel my fathers grip on me as we made our way to our front door.

I think I finally knew how the president felt to be surrounded by a secret service.

Carole was in front of me even though she was also being covered by Finn, my father on my right, Mr. Shue on my left while Puck was in the back, he was asked to help by Finn and he happily obliged to help get me through the large group of reporters in front of our house even being as enthusiastic to say "I could probably even get away with punching a few of them in the face"

Which was met with a unanimous response of "No Puck" and "Puckerman, don't even think about it".

"Kurt is it true that Dave Karofsky-"a male reporter asked but was cut off by my father this time.

Suddenly I could feel the world spinning, my limbs felt weak but my dad held me up and the door felt so far away, the yelling and screaming got louder and my heart was pounding in my ears.

_I don't know…I just…please leave me alone_

It was all I could think, I couldn't speak and I could barely even walk on my own, it was all too much.

We finally got inside and my father sat me down on my couch while Carole said something about making me tea, Finn was pacing and running his hands through his hair while Puck leaned against the wall staring at Finn while Mr. Shue just sat down in the chair across from me.

There was silence as we all just sat there, the only thing we could hear was Carole mulling around in the kitchen to make me tea.

"Kurt, if there is anything you need me to do right now just say it, alright bud?" my father said in a soft voice.

I nodded; I still couldn't find my own.

So many things had happened within such a short amount of time…I didn't expect my first day back to McKinley to be like this.

"Finn, man, stop pacing you're freaking me out" Puck finally said and Finn let out a heavy sigh and sat down next to me.

"Kurt, we understand if you need time but the reporters aren't going to go away for a few days, I just want you to know that" said Mr. Schuester as he reached across Finn to put his hand on my leg for a moment; I almost jumped at the contact but he pulled back before I could react.

I finally felt calm enough to speak but everything I wanted to say, the calming monologue I had planned out didn't come, my mind betrayed me and keeping everyone calm went out the window.

"He killed himself in front of me…he was right there…it was so loud" I said as I closed my eyes and buried my face in my hands but closing my eyes was making things worse, all I could see was blood, so much blood and when I opened my eyes to look at my hands there were only the remnants of the red liquid on my sleeves, it was already turning brown.

I vaguely recall learning that the only way to tell if blood is real is if it eventually turns a brown rusted color, the thought didn't make things better.

My stomach clenched, a sour taste in the back of my mouth, it was too much and Puck was suddenly holding a trash can in front of me, I took it quickly and the contents of my lunch from earlier today were now gone from my body.

"We should get you into new clothes man" said Finn, they must have realized what put me off and there was a silent agreement.

"Why don't you get him some Finn?" said my father to which Finn nodded to and stood up to leave as he made his way up the stairs.

Eventually Carole came out with the tea she promised and I took it trying to keep my hands from shaking while I only took small sips.

"Sweetheart, it's going to be fine, you're safe now and we're not going to let anything happen to you" she stroked the side of my face and I nodded.

I wasn't in the mood to be touchy but I knew she was trying to soothe me.

We sat there in silence even when Finn put my change of clothes in front of me, there was just silence as they all waited for me to say anything.

I didn't.

When I finished my tea I set the cup down, they were all still sitting expectantly and I muttered a soft thank you before telling them I just wanted to go to sleep.

* * *

It hurt, it hurt so much as I laid there in my bed, the events wouldn't flee from my mind and I wasn't going to get any sleep, my father and Carole knew that which was probably why the lights downstairs were still on and I could hear them talking quietly, they were probably all waiting for me to suddenly crumble and start screaming or they were taking care of making calls, telling people I was fine, telling family everything was ok…or all of the above.

This was national news…and I was the center of it now that _he_ was dead.

I let out a soft sob as I clutched my legs to my chest trying to become as small as possible, it didn't make a difference and I still felt vulnerable.

Throughout the night I would switch positions and think about what happened even more, a few times I'd imagine it turned out ok but I would come back to reality and realize it wasn't ok, I wasn't ok, nothing was ok.

I finally got sick of replaying the horror in my head and just let myself feel; blank, silence, and my mind eventually replayed the encounter I had a week before any of this had happened, it's the encounter that was responsible for me still being alive.

* * *

"I still can't believe you'll be leaving in a few days" Blaine said while we walked across the stage in our Dalton auditorium.

"Well I suppose that's just what happens when you set your eyes on a house that's so perfect that all of us want it" I answered back.

Blaine let out a sigh next to me and we stopped just before the steps.

"Is the house worth it Kurt, to go back to what will probably just take a turn for the worst?"

I frowned, "I honestly don't know, I've had a few months to think about all of it and I'm stronger now, I know what I'm up against and I think I can handle it but I'm still scared out of my mind."

He nodded and gave me a knowing smiled, "There's another reason Kurt and you're not telling me, it isn't just the house that's making you go back there"

I stood just before the steps leading off the stage and nodded slowly while letting out a sigh.

"I can't explain it Blaine, a force is working, molding my life in a way to make me go back to that school, I don't know what it is but it's as if I'm being pulled there and sometimes the feeling turns into dread, bone chilling dread and the curiosity is overbearing, the need is suffocating…I don't understand it"

Blaine frowned and waited for me to continue, it was as if he knew I had more to say somehow and he himself was trying to understand it.

I sighed once again, giving in, I had talked this much so I may as well finish.

"If my dad hadn't found that house, if seeing Mercedes again at Breadsticks a few weeks ago hadn't happened, if Finn hadn't said things about people missing me…even Puckerman believe it or not, which I still think Finn lied about."

I took a breath and clutched at my handbag tighter.

"If I hadn't gained so much strength and courage from you Blaine, if I hadn't felt such regret for running away, and if I hadn't been given the choice by both my dad and Carole to drop Dalton or continue only to make them have to work so much harder to keep me there…if none of that had happened I'd still be here, there would be no doubt but it all did happen within such a short amount of time"

I frowned after a few seconds of silence and looked expectantly at Blaine, waiting for his response.

I felt vulnerable to him like I usually would; I hadn't realized I had been pushing him away for the first month of attending Dalton, I would have the perfect opportunities to woo him and yet I'd shell up and put up walls because I was so unsure, which was different for me.

I became aware of it a few nights after we sang 'Baby, Its Cold Outside' together, when he had come in and put the CD player on the desk so loudly I was brought back to the hell of being pushed into lockers for a split second before realizing it was just Blaine and then while we were singing when I knelt against the couch and our faces were so close and I saw him look at my lips I was inwardly afraid he might kiss me…why would I have been so afraid of something like that?

But I knew…it was because the only kiss I'd ever had was forcefully taken from me.

I had always gone after what I wanted with such determination, I never did anything half-hearted but it was as if I had changed…realizing the bad in the world through one Dave Karofsky just because he had bullied me a little which I started to think wasn't a big deal, other people had it off so much worse than me and I was too self absorbed to realize that.

Until I saw a girl about my age on the street one night while driving home being harassed by some men in a cheap small convertible, judging by their character they probably wouldn't even be able to afford good beer which was confirmed when one of them launched a bottle out of the car…yep, cheap beer.

I called the cops but the next morning on the news was her, she was dead…raped…tortured…I was broken for a while after that and it put my life into perspective.

Blaine sighed heavily which brought me back to reality.

"That's pretty deep Kurt, I'm not entirely sure if I should be worried or not"

I smiled half-heatedly at him, "I don't know the answer to that either but I suppose what's done is done"

He mirrored my smile and gave me a pat on the back, "Yeah, I guess so, you know that you can always call or text me if you ever need anything"

I nodded, he truly was the only salvation I had to feel alleviated from all of this stress, he knew everything, how I felt about all of it, my thoughts and we would occasionally talk it out together, it was almost like a therapy session without the extensive amounts of money.

As I was about to take my first step I gasped and turned toward Blaine who was halfway down the steps, he turned to me in response.

"I forgot my music sheets in the back room, I'm so sorry"

Blaine laughed, "Alright, meet you at the usual place" he paused and swayed a bit, pondering something "Say…about five?"

I nodded, "Sounds great"

We parted ways as I watched him leave the auditorium.

Every Tuesday we would go to a nice diner near the Dalton academy, it felt very homey and the food was great, it also helped that it wasn't expensive like everything else in this area.

I ran my index and thumb along the rim of my hair out of habit and turned to go backstage when I heard the auditorium doors open, I dismissed it thinking maybe a Warbler left something like I had or was going to practice as Blaine and I had a few moments ago and continued on but as I reached for the curtain the unknown person spoke.

"I've been following you"

Chills went down my spine as I gripped the soft red curtain in front of me, I couldn't move and finally after a few moments I willed myself to turn around, I remembered that voice and it now only instilled fear within me, I stiffened when I saw him, it was Dave Karofsky…in my school, at Dalton, in the auditorium.

I was alone.

He seemed to be expecting a response and I snapped out of my shock.

"You've…been following me?" I said sounding more confident than I really was.

He nodded, walking closer to the stage I was currently on and stopped just before the steps that lead upwards toward what I assumed was his destination, me.

The times I had encountered Karofsky turned from annoyance to frustration to anger and then to shock and fear but most of all it finally turned into the simple fact that I was unable to predict what he would do next but as he stood there looking up at me from the bottom of those steps I knew in the pit of my stomach something was different.

"I've memorized your schedule and tried to find ways to get you alone for weeks, this seemed to work out best" he said, his voice was different; it was lower, emotionless, monotone.

I worked through the reasons as to why he would want to be a creepy stalker and tried to think of the best case scenario and decided to go with it in hopes of changing his mind if he was only here to do…well I didn't even know anymore and I didn't want to think about it.

"Hopefully you're here to ask me something or even apologize because I'm not exactly in the mood to be dumped into a trash can or whatever it is you have planned for me." I was surprised at how calm and sassy I sounded because he was starting to walk up the steps of the stage and each prominent step made me even more terrified.

Silence filled the auditorium save for his steps up the stairs and once he made it to the stage itself he just stood there for a few moments, I stood there as still as possible as well, it seemed like he was trying to form a sentence from the facial expressions he was having so I gave him time.

"I'm not here to say sorry Hummel; I'm here to warn you"

My eyes widened, "What do you mean?"

He walked closer to me and finally stopped about 2 feet away from me, worry was plastered on my face and I made no move to hide it…warn me?

"I'm not real, I don't feel real" he said finally.

I tilted my head to the side slightly, "What do you mean?"

I felt like a parrot, repeating the same thing over and over again but he wasn't making any sense.

"None of what I am feels real, all of it is a lie, and my entire fucking life has been a lie" he responded, self-loathing lacing his voice.

Suddenly I knew, I knew what this was about, I sighed hoping I could salvage the situation.

"Kar-"

I pursed my lips.

"Dave"

I said softly which made his head shoot up, his eyes looking into my own, something was so very off about him and that pit in my stomach grew.

"I want to apologize for when you were cornered on the stairs that day by…my friend and I…"

Dave frowned in response and looked as if he wanted to say something but I cut him off.

"I don't know what I was hoping to accomplish by calling you out while so many other kids were walking by us but I'll be honest I didn't want to be alone with you or put someone else through that but…it wasn't fair for you, you're confused Dave, it's ok"

A look of shock crossed his face as he took a step back, I could see the vulnerability on his face…this was the Dave I had seen when he kissed me which for the longest time I had put out of my mind until Blaine and I had one of our 'therapy sessions' and while that day still makes me feel sick…I can always remember that split second of so much vulnerability on his face before leaning in to kiss me again. This was the Dave I had seen when we were in the principal's office when he turned to me before he left, the real Dave.

I suddenly felt confident and took a step closer to him, we both stood there in silence for another moment and I rummaged through my bag for a pen and paper.

I saw Dave shake his head frantically from side to side out of my peripheral vision and looked up halfway through my rummaging.

"What are you doing?" his voice confused, I could hear the fear in it.

"I'm getting a pen and paper, I'm going to give you a number, it will help you"

I went back to my rummaging and finally managed to get both of the things I'd been searching for.

I wrote the number down and looked up at the larger man in front of me; I was wary about reaching out to give him the paper but decided to do it anyway.

He looked at it and then frowned, "The Trevor project…I've been hearing about it a lot lately"

His upper lip curled and suddenly he was angry.

"Do you take me for a fucking joke Hummel?"

He stepped closer and I stepped back feeling the curtain.

I suddenly felt defiant, here I was trying to help him and he was going to throw it back in my face?

"Stop acting as if you're a child Karofsky, you need to get help and if you aren't going to get it from me or even someone else you may as well use the number, and they can help you.

He let out a huff; he was getting even angrier.

"You make it sound like you wanted to help me ladyboy" he said the last word with malice.

"I know our situations are different but I know what it's like to feel alone with no one to talk to about being gay"

He clenched his fists to his side "I'm not fucking gay!" the anger was coming off of him in waves, I needed to calm him down but for some reason I had no desire, I just wanted to tell it straight like it really was.

"You say that and yet a few moments before you were just talking about how your entire life is a lie, I assumed you were talking about how you hide from everyone that you're gay…hell you might even be bisexual for all I care but the point is you need to stop denying yourself, you're just going in circles and it's not healthy."

We were suddenly close, he was furious and I was fuming, it wasn't going to end well no matter what.

"Stop pretending you give two shits about me pretty boy I don't need you to pity me"

I scowled, the anger raised within me and I was suddenly so…_pissed off._

"You…you think its pity?" I stepped closer and Karofsky stepped back, his face faltering for a moment before putting up his mask again, he must have seen the anger on my face because I wasn't going to hide it.

"You came here, to MY school, stalked ME, and I've been nothing but considerate to you this entire time!"

I paused to take a breath quickly before I could let him get any words in; I was not even close to done.

"I should be running from you right now for what you've done but I'm standing right here, facing you like a respectable human being because it's what any person deserves, I'm trying to be reasonable with you but you're acting ignorant and I won't have it"

The look of shock on his face gave me a sense of satisfaction but I still wasn't done.

"So here's how this can go David, you can leave and nothing will change or you can talk to me like a normal human being so we don't have to deal with these surprise visits to a school that's miles away from your own home, take your pick"

I could see his jaw visibly clench and we stood still, my arms were crossed against my chest while Dave slouched a few inches away from me his fists clenched still, his brows were now furrowed as he allowed my words to sink in.

"You don't want to help me; you don't care about me Hummel"

I sighed.

"I may not care much for you but I can't stand by and watch as someone tears themselves apart because I know the pain so well that even at this moment it comes back to me like I've been punched in the stomach and I don't wish it on anyone, not even you"

He locked eyes with me again and opened his mouth only to close it again, he seemed to be warring with himself again and I shook my head.

"I need to get my music from the back and I have someone I need to meet at five…I don't mean to rush you but time is of the essence."

As I turned around I heard Dave make a soft clicking sound with his tongue but I dismissed it as I made my way to the backstage dressing room disappearing behind the curtain.

When I grabbed my things and returned I half expected Karofsky to still be standing in the same place but he was nowhere to be seen and I honestly didn't know what to think of it and decided to move on with my day instead of dwell on it because I had felt with certainty that it was the most emotionally draining day I'd ever had.

* * *

I had no idea at the time that one simple encounter would save my life but all I knew was it didn't matter right now because my life was a whirlwind and I had no control anymore.

I had so much to look forward to and now…I had to deal with this, this feeling of being cheated out of my simple, normal life all because of _him._

I suddenly felt sick and wobbled off of my bed as quickly as possible only to stumble over myself a few times as I raced to my bathroom and just barely making it to my destination of white porcelain that was soon stained for a moment by all of my shame, my sadness, and more emotions I couldn't pinpoint but it was all soon washed away as I pulled down the silver lever.

I finally lifted myself off of the hard laminated floor and went to brush my teeth not looking at myself square in the mirror until after I was done and I quickly realized it was a huge mistake to look at myself right now.

I felt self-loathing that I couldn't save him, felt hatred towards him for turning my life upside down which turned into overbearing guilt, there were just so many _feelings._

So I spared myself more stress and made my way back to my bed to find my father at my door, I smiled at him weakly and sat on my bed, he stayed at the doorway.

"How are you feeling?" he asked his tone low due to the hour of the night.

"I'm fine, can't really sleep but I'll be ok" I responded.

I knew he didn't buy it, even I couldn't buy it but he just sighed.

"Kurt…" he looked as though he wanted to say more but shook his head.

"Nevermind, we'll talk tomorrow, try to get some sleep son" he said as he turned his back to me to start walking downstairs.

I nodded.

"I love you dad."

It came out as a whisper without me thinking but somehow he heard it because he turned around and I could see the tears start to form just barely in his eyes.

"I love you too Kurt"

I went back to my never ending battle of wills as I tried to get myself to fall asleep only to finally submit to the racing thoughts in my mind.

I wasn't going to sleep on this night and probably quite a few more.

* * *

_This was...actually kind of heartbreaking to write because the dream was so heart wrenching so it kept coming back to me over and over as I wrote this first chapter and I was honestly going to make it a oneshot but I couldn't bring myself to finish it just yet._

_I'm fearing the next chapter because I have the ending written out exactly how I want it...I just need the middle which is so terrifying and traumatizing that it's going to be very tough to write but I know I need to get it out and I will. _

_I just need time to prepare myself for it and trudge on through._

_This chapter may be sad to some people but I'm warning you the next chapter is so much worse...it really is. :(_

_So ahead of time...I'm SO SORRY._

_But I'll leave you with a snippet that will be from the second chapter:_

**"I was going to kill you Kurt, I was ready to do it but I wanted to talk with you one last time before I did it…my entire plan was to talk to you in that auditorium and I didn't have what I wanted to say planned out, I just wanted to see you before I did this...I can't fucking kill you, I'd kill you but you changed my mind, you fucking changed my mind" he said, his arm tightened around my shoulder and I gasped, I was so terrified, the gun was to my head and I felt as though I was having an out of body experience.**

_Yeah...now you know where this shit is going and why the dream was so profound and I warn you all...Dave did kill people before getting to the point of holding Kurt at gunpoint but I won't spoil the rest of it._

_I hate to paint Dave in such a bad light but I have to get this dream in writing to wash my hands of it._

_Regardless I'd like to hear everyone's thoughts, feel free to review._


	2. Chapter 2

_So...I lied, this is going to be much longer than I intended because last night I had yet another dream and it revolved around well...you'll see once you reach the end of this chapter and I needed a lead up to what happened in my dream last night as well as allow you guys to delve into the state of mind Kurt is in. _

_He's a bit bat shit crazy right now and it's totally understandable if you know what happened that day in the school but that will be for much later._

_But enough about all of that, may as well get onto it._

* * *

The next few days passed without a hitch on my side or at least that's what I tried to tell myself, my father tried to convince me to talk to him but I told him to just give me a few days then we could talk about…this.

I stayed cooped up in my room unless a friend came to visit to see if I was alright which I lied about, I put up a front and pretended that I would be fine just to get them to leave me alone which was nearly impossible because they did exactly what they had done when my father was in his coma…they sang and luckily it wasn't religious songs this time, they were heartfelt songs made to cheer me up, to make me feel better about myself and although I appreciated it, none of it worked.

So I spent the rest of my time trying to actually sleep which never worked so I'd end up staring at my wall which in turn made me want to redecorate my room so I would cover my walls over and over again always feeling after a few minutes that what I had done wasn't good enough so I'd tear the decorations from one wall down only to put it together in a different way then look at the wall next to or across from it and hate what was on that one and the cycle was never ending.

So here I was finally tiring myself out as I forced myself to look at my carpet which just made me want to change the color to a…Bulgarian rose or maybe a Cal Poly Pomona green, I shook my head and clenched my fists at my side and shut my eyes tight, I needed to stop this.

After a few moments of trying to get myself under control I shot my head up and moved quickly towards my oak wood cabinets and opened them while giving a small huff.

I grabbed the DVD that had black sharpie on it reading 'Artie's' with 'The Brother's Bloom' written under it.

It was a movie Artie had given to me the day I returned to school saying that it was one of his favorites and after berating myself for going back to replaying the memories just at the mention of the word school I grabbed the silver disk and slipped it into my DVD player and laid on my bed as I waited for the movie to start.

I almost gave myself a heart attack and came way too close to having an anxiety attack as the movie started with three men in a burning building, they wanted money and the dirty looking one had a gun to Adrien Brody and as they traded dialogue the man with the gun pulled the trigger.

I gasped and quickly put my hands to my head and curled up into a small ball as the memories flooded me and my body shook from the remembrance of when he had...I let out a small cry and tried to curl into myself even more, the movie sounding muffled.

I eventually started to try and calm myself by counting and breathing in and out frantically which actually ended up working which I didn't even know I was capable of and opened my eyes to see an Asian woman appear suddenly on the screen, she had a blow torch and I blinked and took my hands away from my ears and sat up in my bed again, uncurling myself.

It turns out the movie was about two brothers who happened to be con artists with their very odd Asian companion and as I watched the movie I found myself so drawn to it.

The movie was amazing and I was a musical kind of guy and although the music was all instrumental with no vocals the musical score for the movie was breathtaking, the dialogue spoke to you and it was even humorous, realistic…perfect.

Eventually a scene came on where the main female character played by Rachel Weisz whom I had always loved due to the confidence she always seemed to exude in all of her movies was in a train with Brody who played the character Bloom being 'smugglers.'

It was all a con of course but Adrien Brody didn't really want to con her it seemed.

She had been drinking and finally she said to him "I think you're constipated, in your fucking soul, I think…you might have a really big load of grumpy petrified poop up your soul's ass."

My upper lip twitched and I couldn't help but burst into soft laughter, I didn't want to worry anyone but it was all so ironic, so fucking ironic that out of all the movies I could have watched this one had me pinned without even knowing it!

I continued to watch but the scene that stuck with me the most was the scene in which Adrien's character Bloom asks Weisz's character Penelope if she felt cheated.

I had clutched the sheet on my bed, sometimes you just know a scene is going to speak to you.

"The trick to not feeling cheated, is to learn how to cheat."

I closed my eyes, she was right…

"So, I decided this wasn't a story about a miserable girl trapped in a house that smelled like medical supplies wasting her life on a dying person that she sometimes hated"

I let out a soft sob as the scene continued.

"No, this was a story about a girl who could find infinite beauty in anything, any little thing, and even love the person she was trapped with"

I clenched my jaw and forced my eyes open, waiting for what she was going to say next.

"And I told myself this story until it became true"

The world felt still as if my entire life was hanging on this one simple scene, I was stuck, pulled into this world hanging on every word.

"Now, did doing this help me escape a wasted life?"

I blinked in response.

"Or, did it blind me to where I wouldn't want to escape it?"

My brows furrowed and I put my hands on my lap.

"I don't know, but either way I was the one telling my own story so, no I don't feel cheated"

I let out a large sigh and continued on with the movie.

* * *

After the movie finished I eventually got up from laying in my bed after 'micro-sleeping' as people would put it at seven in the morning to get some food, I had gone much too long without it, I knew I had probably lost about 5 pounds in the past three days due to eating so little.

I opened the fridge grabbing the milk then moving towards the cupboard to grab cereal.

Usually I'd pick something that was sweet but I wasn't in the mood for that, I wanted something that wasn't too sweet but wasn't too tasteless so I went with Kix and although I always felt like a child when I ate them due to it being fed to me as a baby which seemed to be a food staple for young children because of how easy it was for our small hands to pick them up they still had that perfect balance of flavor.

As I finished my cereal of choice Finn came downstairs, I heard him stop just behind the corner as I got up from the chair to wash my bowl and heard him breathe in as if preparing himself to face me, it made me feel disappointment but not with him, with myself.

Did I truly look so fragile and pathetic that people had to prepare themselves to be around me?

I dismissed the thought as I heard him scuffle into the dining room.

"Morning" he said, sounding as if this was a normal day, as if everything could be casual, "Morning" I responded as I reached for the small handle on the dishwasher to dispose of my used utensils. I stood near the sink, putting my hands on the counter, not moving as Finn moved around beside me to get himself a bowl and silverware and finally he stopped to turn to me, bowl in hand.

"You ok?" he put the bowl on the counter and stood there waiting for my response.

"I'm fine" I said breathily but followed it up by shaking my head.

"Are you going to go see Rachel today?" I asked, trying to dismiss the thoughts creeping into my head.

I could see him visibly still and I mentally cursed myself, how could I be so insensitive?

"I…yeah, I'm going to see her after I'm done getting ready, she should be out of the hospital tomorrow morning, at least that's what the doctors say"

I nodded, still in the same position I was in before and realizing I was gripping the counter to the point of making my knuckles white and before I could stop myself I once again voiced my thoughts without thinking…I was doing that more frequently lately.

"Are you happy he died?" I said in a whisper.

Finn breathed out quickly and took a small step back, gripping the counter. "I…" he shook his head frantically and then looked down at his feet, "What?"

I turned my head away from him, disappointed in myself once again but I had already started this conversation, I had to go through with it…I felt like I had to, I didn't care if it was too soon.

_Him_ dying was too soon for someone that was only in high school so why couldn't I ask a simple question without feeling remorse?

I clenched my jaw, "I want to know if you're happy he's dead for what he did"

In my peripheral vision I saw Finn's lower lip twitch ever so slightly, "Why are you asking me this Kurt?"

I looked at him, determination in my eyes, I needed answers…I needed a semblance of closure for…I didn't even know what I was hoping to accomplish with this but I didn't really care anymore.

"Just answer the question Finn, please," my voice sounded pleading and I stopped gripping the counter and went with holding my hands limp at my sides.

There was a long pause as we stared at each other, I opened my mouth to ask again but he held up his hand.

"I think you know the answer Kurt."

Suddenly I was furious, it was a simple question, why couldn't he just answer it?

I moved closer towards him quickly so we were only inches apart, looking upwards at his face, "All I want is the truth Finn, is that really so hard?"

I was yelling now and his face contorted into anger, he slammed his hand onto the counter and it made me jump, he was leaning over me now just like how _he_ had.

No I couldn't do this to myself; I focused again but took a step back from my fuming step-brother.

"You want the truth Kurt?" he put emphasis on truth by slamming his hand on the counter again, "Well then to answer your question, yes, I'm glad he's dead but you want to know what I hate the most about all of this?"

I furrowed my brows, nodding slowly.

"He got to himself first, the asshole didn't deserve to take his own life…he deserved to have one of the SWAT team put a bullet in his fucking head for what he did or at least someone else but no, he took his own life and he had to almost take you away from all of us, almost take Rachel from all of us..."

He paused, tears were gathering in his eyes, "He killed a lot of people Kurt and injured a few others, and I was so sure that you were going to die when he took you at gunpoint out of that classroom…oh god"

Finn put a hand to his mouth and fell to the ground; I went down with him and ran my hands down his back in an attempt to soothe him while grabbing for the small trashcan near us, it was a good thing he hadn't eaten yet.

After a few moment of Finn's heavy breathing he turned to look up at my face, he had tears streaming down his own, my bottom lip trembled a bit and I tried to keep it together.

"He was going to kill me Kurt, when I lunged for you after he killed Ms. Holiday and then went for you, as he was putting that gun to your head and he turned it on me…I knew that the look on his face was one that told me he didn't regret anything he was doing, he was completely emotionless and he had no qualms when it came to killing me but…"

He grabbed my shirt and clutched at it, I honestly didn't care right now that it would wrinkle; none of it mattered, and all that mattered was what he had to say.

"You begged him not to kill me, you begged and cried, told him that it was you he wanted, just take you, leave everyone else out of it and he listened, I don't fucking know why but he listened to you and I was left there so terrified…so confused…I," he let out a soft sob, "Oh Kurt…I…"

He burst into tears, clutching at my shirt more than he was before if that was even possible and hugged me to him tightly, I held onto him as well and cried with him, we cried together for a while on the kitchen floor until Carole came downstairs, seems she had just woken up and she ran for us asking us what was wrong.

We tried to play it off saying that we just needed to get it all out a bit which was true and before Finn got up he pulled me into another hug, for the last few days I hadn't wanted anyone touching me but after this…it felt like we were infinitely closer, it felt like we were truly brothers and I didn't care if he wanted to hug me, I didn't feel empty when he touched me, I felt the swelling love for a family member that I believed had disappeared from me…but it was still there.

* * *

Later as everything calmed down, Finn went to go visit Rachel, I sat down with my dad and Carole on the couch finally feeling up to discussing their ideas for me and we all sat there in silence for a long time.

I licked my lips and had my legs crossed as always, my dad was sitting in his usual hunched position but had his elbows on his knees and he brought his hands together, clasped tightly.

Carole was right next to me, her legs close together but not crossed, her hands placed neatly on her jean pants; clearly she needed my help to get back into wearing good clothes I mentally noted but put away for later use.

I took a deep breathe, I wanted to do this and again I didn't care if it was too soon, I felt like I needed to do this, I was terrified and I wouldn't be able to do it alone, I needed them there with me but I didn't care how terrible all of it was, there were other people just as broken up about this, probably even more so than me and they needed a semblance of closure, just a little closure.

I took another deep breathe, preparing myself for the words about to come out of my mouth, I knew that when they were voiced I had to stick with my decision and not let them sway me no matter how terrifying the idea was, I had to do this…no I needed to do this, the need was much too powerful.

So I took a look at my father then looked at Carole, I stood up and turned to both of them, looking my father in the eyes.

"I want to see Paul Karofsky"

* * *

_So yeah, I feel very blah right now because when I wrote the kitchen scene I was crying because when David held the gun up to Finn in the classroom it actually happened in my dream and in my dream I was looking at everything through Kurt's eyes and it was all incredibly vivid. _

_I could feel the fear Kurt felt and see the look of terror on Finn's eyes and Kurt did beg Dave not to kill Finn as well as tell Dave to just leave the rest of them alone because Kurt was the one he really wanted._

_UGH this story is so fucked up I'm really sorry guys but...I promise after all of this I'm going to write something that isn't so damn depressing._

_But for now we get to ride the 'fucked-up-story-express' _

_CHOO CHOO_

_Again feel free to tell me your thoughts, yell at me for putting Dave and Kurt through all of this, tell me you hate me from doing this, it would be totally understandable. XD_


	3. Chapter 3

The dreams have gotten worse.

I wrote the third chapter this morning when I woke up and when I finally got up to go eat breakfast which I needed desperately because I had spent most of the night laying awake in my bed due to another dream and I couldn't get back to sleep and finally gave up at 7 in the morning to just get up and get food but when I got back to my computer the chapter was gone.

Everything I'd written for this story was gone, I looked in my recycle bin but nothing was there anymore, I live alone in a small apartment because I got kicked out of the house I was living in with my parents due to things I regret doing and the only thing keeping me living in this shit apartment is my job as a journalist, sounds like a shitty script for a crappy movie right?

I only have this computer because my older brother gave it to me and I don't know how EVERYTHING for this story could have just up and vanished, I'm still trying to figure it out and there is always an explanation…a virus, Trojan, root-kit?

I don't fucking know.

The most disturbing part is the fact that the dream I had…it was the exact same as the first one I had and the only difference was everyone was DIFFERENT but I couldn't make out anyone's face, it was like I was looking down the entire time and I wasn't Kurt this time but I WAS in Kurt's place, he just wasn't Kurt anymore and Dave wasn't Dave…everyone was a different person but the dream was the exact same, even the dialogue was the exact same down to everyone's names being used.

It makes no fucking sense.

I just remembered something though that I totally forgot about that could explain how everything for this story was completely gone from my computer, at the end of the dream Dave shoots himself in the head and Kurt falls to the ground with him and the dream goes on for a bit more and then I wake up but this time once the person that's supposed to be Dave shoots himself in the head I 'wake up' but I can still feel myself dreaming if that makes any sense and I get up from my bed and stare at my computer screen for a while only to actually wake up.

But…I woke up from the dream at 3:25 AM and I know this because I looked at my alarm clock when I jolted awake.

That still doesn't explain how at 7 in the morning I finally got up out of my bed to eat and came back and THEN everything was gone.

I'm still confused as to how the entire fucking folder is just gone when it was there THIS MORNING WHEN I FINISHED THE CHAPTER.

I know this is against the sites guidelines but I don't know what to do because this shouldn't be happening and none of it makes sense so I'm sorry that the chapter won't be up because I pretty much have to re-write it which is BULLSHIT because that stupid ass chapter was so emotional for me, it was a reenactment of the second dream I had that involved Kurt seeing Paul Karofsky and emotions were so high in the dream.

I'm going to try to work as hard as I can to first figure out what happened to my damn computer and hopefully I'll get some sleep tonight but don't expect anything tomorrow until probably later in the night due to work.

Again sorry that things will be delayed because I really want nothing more than to be done with this story, these dreams are really fucking with me and it's only getting worse.


End file.
